About ten years ago I ran across a book written by Julie Jansen entitled “You Want me to Work With Who?” Julie did a wonderful job of providing eleven keys to working with just about anybody. Five personality types she covered included:

The Poor Communicator
The Disrespectful Person
The Rigid Person
The No-Common Sense Wheel Reinventor
The Dysfunctional Decision Maker

Whether you’re in a small business, a corporate environment, or a volunteer organization you run into these personality types. There is one other type I wish Julie would have covered. The Narcissist. As I was researching to write this entry, I found this type to be an entire personality disorder. The germination of this disorder (NPD) occurs in childhood, where the person is made to feel no matter what they do, it is never good enough. They are given a set of unattainable goals and physically or more likely than not, emotionally abused. As adults, they give the impression they are always right and highly accomplished in any field, hobby or area of their choosing. Even when proven wrong, they will twist the truth or lay blame elsewhere.

In actuality, a person with NPD lacks self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. They also have very little self-awareness. Instead they portray themselves as confident and secure. They take no responsibility for accountability. They abuse authority if given to them and manipulate situations to their benefit.

So how do you survive, cope, or associate with a person with NPD? It is NOT easy. My research, study and experience have taught me to learn to dance. By that I mean you must be able to be confident in your own skin. A person with NPD will do all they can to belittle, insult, or ridicule you in order to make themselves look better than you. Tearing you down builds themselves up, in their eyes. When the insults begin, simple consider the source and say “thank you for your opinion.” Then drop the subject or leave their presence. By handling things in this manner you take away a key lynch pin of a narcissist – their need to control people, things and situations.

Once you are comfortable in your own skin, the next step is to make sure your skin becomes your armor. You develop your armor by having the documented facts, that when challenged by the narcissist, are irrefutable. A person with NPD will never admit they are wrong or that you are right. However, they will withdraw when the facts are stacked against them. They may throw a temper tantrum, but with the facts on your side it won’t last and it actually exposes them for the narcissist they truly are.

Developing your own self-confidence and knowledge of information is like learning an emotional and intellectual “Texas Two-Step.” You can work or deal with any situation, person or personality. Just learn to dance and pretty soon the narcissist, who has always danced to the beat of their own drum, will be dancing alone – instead of leading while stepping on everybody’s toes.

Until next time….

In this election year we are certainly hearing our share of promises, hyperbole, pledges and double-talk. Often, I don’t know who or what to believe. I suspect I’m not alone. Regardless of your political ideology or personal party preference, one thing I feel confident in saying is this: No candidate is exhibiting a measure of congruence commensurate with their message points. Simply said, no one is walking their talk. Sadly, this is not a new phenomenon.

A congruent leader is the best kind of leader. A congruent leader is one who attracts and maintains a strong team. A congruent leader is comfortable walking in other people’s shoes and likely has done so. A congruent leader builds trust and support through their actions – not just their words.

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “that person talks a good game.” Unfortunately, talking a good game is becoming an art that is inhibiting growth and success in business, education, and our economy.

I’ve interviewed hundreds of people over the years. A polished interviewee has their message points and delivers them to the best of their ability. The key to finding the best candidate is asking about or understanding the accomplishments and results of the interviewee.

I’ve always been partial to result-oriented, thoughtful, congruent people. I tend to shy away from people who are long on sound bites and short on examples of their results.

Over the years, I’ve found the best place to look for a congruent person is in a volunteer organization. Usually that person is sharing their time and talents for the right reasons. They are there to support a cause or belief greater than themselves.

Years ago I met a couple of interviewees. Within five minutes it was obvious through their words and behavior they were not right for the job. They were consumed with what was in it for each of them. The decision to hire was not mine. To make a long story short, it took five years to rectify that hiring and even longer to recover from the damage done.

Recently, I had the great fortune to meet another couple. They weren’t interviewees. Instead they were humble, congruent, thoughtful volunteers. They are good communicators, but don’t use their words to self-promote. Their quiet effective actions speak volumes on their behalf.

So often we look to what someone says to inspire us. But personally, I’ve been inspired by this couple’s actions and results. You see, a congruent person who walks their talk has a FAR lasting effect on those around them. This couple’s behavior challenges me to want to do more and make a difference.

The world needs more people like this lady and man. Frankly, I long for that congruent person who makes a difference by what they accomplish rather than what they say.

Until next time…..

Picture this – It’s January. Three 18 inch long aged pieces of oak are crackling in the fireplace. An over-sized, multi-colored, Havanese is curled at my feet on the ottoman adjacent to my corduroy recliner. The sun is shining and the view from the front picture window is of pink, red and white camellias blooming in abundance. The setting in the cottage is perfect for reading.

I’ve always enjoyed a good book. Most people do. I’ve not yet been able to read a book off the iPad. I get too much pleasure from turning the page. I even enjoy looking at the book mark, to measure where I am in relation to the end. As I progress through the book, turning the pages becomes a reflection of my emotional attachment to the material. If it’s particularly good, I seem to turn the pages much quicker. Until I get near the end, when I seem to turn the pages in slow motion. Those last few pages are always the most difficult to turn. Why? Because I don’t want it to end. I want to read the conclusion or resolution, but I don’t want the experience to end.

Have you ever stopped to think how often we turn the page in life? The end of a job and the beginning of another. The end or the beginning of a relationship. Moving to a new home, new city, or unfamiliar geographic location. The addition of a child. The loss of a friend or relative. Learning a new skill or hobby. Letting go of a bad habit. Starting a diet. Becoming a vegetarian or a vegan. This list could go on for quite a while.

Like a good book, turning the page in life is often difficult. I frequently go through several stages when I’m faced with turning the page in life. I hesitate. I ponder. I lament. I get melancholy and nostalgic. Depending on the situation, I sometimes feel a sense of loss. I get butterflies. I rationalize both good and bad things. Then I step back and pull my emotions out of the situation. I have to do that in order to turn the page.

By extracting my emotions, my mind is able to think positive. I trade in the feeling of hesitation for anticipation. Instead of lamenting, being melancholy or nostalgic, I think eagerly forward with a child-like imagination.

Don’t get me wrong. Turning a page in life is not an easy undertaking. It takes focus, fortitude and faith. You have to believe in yourself and the change confronting you.

Dr. Blaine Lee put it best in the following quote:
“Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.”

Turning the page in life is all about the seizing the power within us all and making positive choices. Through those positive choices, I and you will be able to face any challenge and move on to the next adventure in life.
Until next time….

For years now, I’ve always held Thanksgiving as my favorite holiday. I’ve been able to ignore the Black Friday chaos and purely focus on the feast, friends, family and football. Of course the number one focus is giving thanks and reflecting on all the blessings that surround me. This focus is certainly one that shouldn’t be just for one day or a four day weekend, but rather year-round. So this year, I’m expanding my Thanksgiving thoughts to the month of November.

I recall one Thanksgiving where we went around the table and actually said what we were thankful for. Not a bad exercise and it actually was good for a few laughs. With that memory in mind here are a half dozen things that come to my mind as I type.

* I’m thankful for all the beautiful leaves that have adorned the trees
* I’m thankful those leaves are now piled curbside – out of my yard
* I’m thankful for good health of family and friends
* I’m thankful for the miles of safe travel I have enjoyed this year
* I’m thankful to be spending Thanksgiving with my kids and granddaughter
* I’m thankful for the friendships I’ve made over my life

I regularly write about reaching out to old friends and staying connected. It energizes me and causes me to reflect on how blessed my life has been. The number of people that have come into my life to help me, befriend me, mentor me and care about me has always provided comfort. I am humbled by those relationships. Whether that person has been a long-term friend or just a brief encounter – I have valued the time we’ve shared. Some people can make lasting impressions in a short period of time. People you can trust, people you can count on and people who care about you have always made a difference in my life. I’m eternally grateful for those relationships.

I’ve also come to realize you’re never too old to make new friends. Sometimes the connection is instant and other times you have to work at it, but invariably it is worth the effort and time. That human connection is what drives our spirit.

Whenever I find myself stressed about one thing or another, focusing my brain on things I am thankful for has proven to be a wonderful method to pull me out of the vortex and into positive stream of consciousness. Reflecting on relationships, past and present always causes me to feel blessed.

Wishing you all a Thanksgiving holiday filled with a cornucopia of blessings to be thankful for every day of the year.
Until next time….

If you knew you would die tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month, would you live differently? This question has been asked so often its cliché. The answer is typically “Yes, of course I would.” People respond with things like this:

• I’d live with more zest
• I’d take more risks
• I’d focus on the positive and avoid negative thoughts
• I’d say all the things I’ve never told family and friends

But, we seldom, if ever, live like there is no tomorrow. It sounds wonderful, but reality in our own life seems to regularly get in the way. Our work, our families, our daily chores, our responsibilities, and our financial obligations are just a few of the reasons people don’t “live differently.” Looking beyond our own address we are faced with the problems of our country and our world making it not only easy, but almost routine to get hung up in a feeling of helplessness.

What we should or shouldn’t eat. Low fat, no fat, two percent, GMO, Gluten-Free, caffeine free, no salt and low salt just to scratch the surface.

Who do you believe about anything? The economy, national debt, illegal immigration, political correctness, political spin, political bias, entitlement programs, human rationalization, “it’s not my fault, but everyone else is to blame.”

So, how do you change that mindset? How do you remove those daily barriers to more zestful living?
It’s certainly a huge challenge, but one that can be addressed.

The first step is to recognize the limitations you put on yourself. Like that voice inside your head, recognizing the extra pressure and the daily grind you are feeling can’t be addressed until you admit and know it’s happening. Then put everything into a proper perspective.

Your second step is to mentally remove yourself from what you are thinking and doing. Once you have pulled away you can ask yourself “How do I approach this situation, individual, chore, or experience differently?” Another question I like to ask is “What is the worst thing that may happen if I do X or Y?” Answering those type of questions may provide a vision to approach life differently.

The third step is to be positive and DO NOT play the victim. All too often we diminish our abilities and thereby our lives by blaming others and rationalizing why things didn’t go our way. Many people think there are only two sides to a coin and two results to a circumstance – good or bad. Actually there are three sides to a coin. The edge is the difference between the two sides. Any Numismatist will tell you the edge is the third side of the coin, where different and unique perspectives may be found.

So I’d suggest we all start anew with these four steps and get to the small space few people venture to. The edge. I contend it will give you an edge in life. You will be able to take positive, meaningful steps toward zestful living. Maybe you’ll even fondly recall those days of running barefoot and drinking from the garden hose.

“Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today.”
James Dean
Until next time……

Sixty-five years ago Thomas Wolfe’s “You can’t go home again” was published posthumously by Edward Aswell. The title of Wolfe’s book, came from a previous conversation between Wolfe and writer Ella Winter. Wolfe was lamenting about his manuscript when Winter replied; “Don’t you know you can’t go home again?” Wolfe asked for, and Winter granted permission, to use the quote as the book’s title.

That phrase has now entered the American lexicon. Used largely by anyone desperately attempting to relive youthful memories. Memories which are rarely, if ever, as fulfilling as when they were created.

Retro clothing, “New Coke,” 70’s radio, and adult summer camp are just a few examples of marketing, branding or merchandising to appeal to one’s past.

On a recent visit to Colorado, (one of my most favorite places on the planet) I too was caught up in nostalgia while driving though old neighborhoods to find our home from 20 years ago. Not to my surprise or disappointment, the old neighborhood had changed. The yard, house, cul-de-sac, and neighborhood pool seemed much smaller. It appeared everyone had moved away and the charm that attracted us had not only dissipated, but disappeared. “You can’t go home again,” I thought to myself.

I recall my parents many years ago talking about “the good ole days.” We all do that, don’t we? By the way, when were those good ole days? Mary Hopkin, a Welsh singer, made a hit song in 1968 with “Those Were the Days” but I’m not really sure what time period she was referring to either.

It seems to me, we have developed an ability to flash back to whatever time period and recall those times as easier, more care-free, less stressful. We remember the mortgage being much less, but we tend to forget the interest rate was higher or the paycheck was a great deal lower. The playground slide was longer and the jungle gym higher. The fence in center field at the little league park was not 385 feet but rather 185 feet deep.

Marvin Hamlisch may have had a good point when he wrote:
“Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we, could we…”

I’m not advocating to forget the past. I’m not suggesting to cease cherishing memories of “the times of your life.” What I am recommending is we put everything in perspective. Above all else I recommend looking forward to what is happening today and tomorrow. Make your memories by relishing the moment you currently reside in today. Fill your mind with positive thoughts of the future. Dream of the possibilities that exist for you whether you are 18, 48, or 84.

Fall is just around the corner. A beautiful, but bittersweet time of year for me. I’m usually short-sightedly thinking about the long winter ahead and sadly miss the beauty that surrounds me during Autumn. This year I plan to relish the colors, allow the crisp air to rejuvenate my spirit and look forward to a winter of accomplishments and a spring of rebirth for my mind and soul.

My hope is that you do the same.
Until next time….

According to HealthDay News more Americans are living to 90 and beyond. They estimate by 2050 the number could reach nine million. Since the 1980 census the nonagenarian population has tripled from 720,000 to 1.9 million in 2010. I recently read an article discussing a Danish research report that indicated people living into their 90’s are mentally sharper than nonagenarians born a decade earlier. The report attributes their findings to improved nutrition, vaccinations and intellectual stimulation. The report is quite interesting, but I’ll spare you further details and move on to my point of this blog.

I’ve been working with a nonagenarian the past few weeks that supports these findings. Let’s call him Mr. B. I don’t know him very well, but I eagerly look forward to our time together. He’s one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever had the pleasure of spending time. You may be skeptical of the word “fascinating” to describe a 90 year old man, so let me share some bullet points to support my adjective.

• He’s working over 20 hours a week. I know of no other 90 year old doing that.
• He has traveled the world – for example…
• He’s been to the Artic.
• He’s been to Antarctica.
• He’s been to the Galapagos Islands.
• He’s crossed the equator at least six times.
• He’s been to Australia and New Zealand multiple times.
• He served his country in the U.S. Navy in World War II
• In his day he was a world-class double black diamond skier.
• He’s a superb story teller and movie critic.
• He has more common sense than most people have sense.
• He never gets rattled when pressure situations arise
• He has a smile that lights up a room and sly grin that reminds one of the proverbial cat and the canary.
• His dry sense of humor is only surpassed by his quick wit.
• He is a connoisseur of fine cocktails
• Did I mention he is 90?

These trips he has made weren’t 50 years ago; they were within the last 10-15 years. He is usually the elder statesman of any Lindblad Expedition. He doesn’t go on cruise liners, his traveling vessels are sailing ships that carry about 100 passengers. He selects these beautiful ships because he is able to get to know the crew and companion travelers better.

He will share stories with me and I will ask, “When was this, a few years ago?” He will reply, “No, that was April, 1947.” His mind reminds me of a swan on a lake. On the outside the swan gracefully glides along the water’s surface, but underneath the water, out of sight, the swan is paddling rapidly. That’s the way it is with his brain. We will discuss something one day and two days later he will bring the topic back up to make another point or to clarify something. My brain can’t store that much information, nor recall it, if I had to do so.

Why am I sharing this information about this particular nonagenarian? Because he has enriched my life in the few short weeks I’ve come to know him. He has caused me to pause, listen, watch and learn. He has shared his adventures and made me want to be more adventurous. He has seen more, experienced more, and truly lived more, which has made me want to live my life as Mr. B has lived his.

As one might imagine, he downplays his accomplishments, his travel and his savoir-faire. He pushes any credit and any attention away from himself. He doesn’t profess or pontificate, but rather lives his life with grace and dignity. I wish for each of you the joy of meeting a person like Mr. B. I feel so blessed to have met him and so grateful for what he has taught me. He is indeed one in a million. Actually, according to the facts I listed above, he is one in almost two million. And frankly, that statistic fits Mr. B to a T!

Until next time…

As a youngster, I fondly recall laying on my back in the park or my backyard and gazing at the clouds. At that age, I didn’t know a cumulus from cirrus, but that wasn’t important. I just enjoyed watching the clouds move in and out of formations. A couple years later Judy Collins was singing about looking at clouds from “both sides now.” As a pre-teen I really didn’t understand the references of clouds and love and life, but I could play the tune on my clarinet, so obviously I liked the song.

Nearly five decades later, I don’t lay on my back and look at the clouds anymore. Now I view them from a porch swing. The fascination I had as a kid with clouds has been replaced by the solitude of star-gazing at night. My focus is not on the formations of the constellations, but more regularly on the formation of friendships I have developed over the years. I look to the heavens and think about this person or that person; a memory, a mentoring relationship, a bond, or more. Depending on the depth of the acquaintance the questions running through my mind vary from; “Whatever became of… to I wonder how this person is feeling?”

Time has a way of getting away from all of us. We are wrapped up in our work, our family and ourselves. Before we know it a year has passed and the only connection to past relationships is the obligatory Christmas card. All the social media vehicles at our disposal should make it any easier, but often do not. Why not? Because someone has to consciously reach out. It’s an effort we tend to shy away from.

Recently, I received a text message from an old friend. It brought back a rush of good memories and it was wonderful catching up. That evening I looked up at the stars and thought about several other people who have passed through my life and made a memory and a difference. The next day I looked at clouds and thought how much clouds and stars remind me of relationships. Some don’t last, they blow in and blow away or change from robust to fleeting just like clouds on a breezy day. Others relationships shine brightly. Like the North Star, they seem to always be there when you need them for direction or guidance. They are often a source for comfort and inspiration.

I need to reach out more to those who have made a difference in my life. People who have fed my brain and touched my heart. If you look up to the stars tonight and think of someone you would like to reconnect with for one reason or another, make the effort to reach out the next day. There’s a very good chance you will make that person’s day and give your own day a very special lift.

Life is all about building, nurturing and maintaining relationships. Letting someone know you appreciate and value their friendship, whether you haven’t talked to them in weeks, months, or years is a gift for you both to share. Keep looking up and reaching for the stars in your life.

The days have been flying by this spring. It took a friendly reminder to let me know I hadn’t blogged for quite a while. I haven’t been lazy, but rather quite busy. This is the season of color in the Sandhills. The grass that was dormant with a dirt brown hue seemed to turn bright green overnight. The dogwoods are pristine white and the azaleas are like a painter’s palette of scarlet red, deep pink, lavender, and shining white. This colorful transformation reminds me of the scene from the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy opens the door of her crashed farm house and the black and white picture turns into a memorable, panoramic, technicolor scene.

Surrounded by all the color is so special, but what really amazes me is the growth of the crocus emerging from the pine straw and the buds springing from the pruned Crepe Myrtles. I remember digging shallow holes and dropping the bulbs in the red clay. I was assured they would grow in the spring, but I was more than skeptical. I was even more concerned about my first attempt to prune the Crepe Myrtles. Despite the expert advice I received and the affirmation that I had pruned them correctly in January; I was not optimistic growth would occur in the spring. But it has.

This is probably old hat, ho hum, and “whatever” for those of you who are used to planting, growing, and experiencing annual and perennial plant growth in your yards and gardens. This is all new to me. New and very exciting.

Not only am I in my own yard a great deal of time, but my job affords me the pleasure of spending a majority of the time outdoors as well. Without a doubt a real perk of my new profession. There is one more thing that has caught my attention beyond the colors and the new growth of spring. The sounds of spring. In the mornings and early evenings I do all I can to find a few minutes to be alone. Escaping to the solitude of my own thoughts, whether on the porch swing, sitting on the dock, or somewhere else, I listen to the sounds of the day or night. It may be the breeze through the pines, birds talking to one another, or frogs calling out as the sun dips gracefully from the horizon. Simple? Yes. Relaxing? Definitely. Therapeutic? Most certainly. It gives me a small sense of what Thoreau must have felt on Walden Pond.

It’s a fast-paced world, but it doesn’t always have to be. If you force yourself to take the time to notice the colors, the buds, and the sounds that surround you it will make a difference in your life. It will slow you down and cause you to refresh and rejuvenate your mind. It will put things into perspective.

So often we get caught up in the day-to-day chaos that we call life. It’s not easy to do, but if you can escape that bedlam and trade it in for five to fifteen minutes of solitude, it could possibly be the most important time you spend all day. Look, listen and experience the magic that you can only see and hear if you take the time to do so. And if you don’t think you have time to do this because your to-do list is too long, remember: “There is no present like the time.”

I recall with a smile, my good friend Mike telling me a parable about Mickey Mantle; the late Yankee Hall of Famer. Mickey would have a fantastic game, then would call back to Oklahoma, to share his excitement and desire for a pat on the back from his dad. His dad would congratulate Mickey on his hits or home runs, but then close the call by saying; “Remember Mickey, good enough is neither.” And the next day Mickey would play harder knowing good was not enough for his dad. We all can’t be Mickey Mantle. I learned that a long time ago.

I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking about mediocrity and being good enough lately. I regular self-assess and ask if I’m stretching myself to be better or just settling for mediocrity. Maybe mediocre is too strong. Maybe average is a better word. Most people think they are better than average. I’ve never sat down with anyone in a merit review session and had them tell me they were average. Usually they’re surprised if they aren’t considered the best, hardest working, employee on the team. Helping them understand how they can improve is both a challenge and a joy.

I’ve always tried to surround myself with people who strive for greatness. People who are charismatic, witty, clever, hard-working and fun to be around. Most of all, though, I want to be around someone I can trust. It’s so fulfilling when you can share with someone, believe in someone and know their word is bond.

As the years have gone by, I’ve run into people and worked with others, who wanted you to believe they were something they really were not. Frankly, I think the internet has brought on that mentality. You can hide behind your words…for a while. Unless, of course, you’re on LinkedIn, Facebook or some other revealing social media vehicle. But even those afford you the opportunity to somewhat pretend. This feeling of wanting to be something more than you actually are can and does cause challenges, issues, and problems for many people. People in all walks of life. Whether you’re working at a bank, a bakery, a deck hand on a ship or a network news anchor, you can fall into this trap. You want to impress, feel better about yourself, or be the center of attention…if only for a short while. The story you spin, the tale you tell, it’s all fine till someone finds out the facts don’t add up.
It’s at that point the “Theory of Holes” should be implemented. The person who started the tale must stop digging. It only makes it worse. As my grandma always told me; “Never lie. When you tell the truth you never have to remember what you said.”

Once you catch a person telling an untruth it’s easy to get them to tell another and another to cover the first untruth. Pretty soon that vortex takes over and they spiral deeper and deeper until they have to admit the first falsehood. Just ask Pete Rose.

Brian Williams had been the face of NBC. He is charismatic, witty, clever, hard-working and from what others at NBC have said, fun to be around. He is also a fabulous story teller. If you’ve ever heard him speak, you probably agree. His problem was he wanted to be more than the face of NBC. I’m not sure what he wanted, but he wanted more than that. When the facts behind a twelve year old story came out, he had a chance to correct the facts and apologize. He failed at both of those opportunities and the “Theory of Holes” took over. Now he has lost the trust millions put into him. As you know, it takes a lifetime to build trust and only seconds to lose it. Once gone, it can be nearly impossible to earn again. A tough life lesson to learn for anyone.

As I continue to reflect on my own gifts and talents, this event has provided me a new perspective. I love to tell stories. But I will always let my audience know when I am stretching the truth. I will continue to strive to be better, but accept who I am. When I meet someone new I won’t pretend to be something or someone I’m not. Hopefully they will be curious and courageous enough to trust me. It’s always a little risky to put yourself out there, but I’ve found more times than not its well worth the risk.